Meet the Staff ...(in order of awesomeness)
Copyright ©2009 Captain's Getaway All rights reserved
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Becky – Standing just over 5’6’’, don’t let her size fool you. While
at work Becky is called the “diesel” for obvious reasons. Becky is
known well for her mean backhand, give this fierce cat a hard time
and you may be lucky enough to get one across the face! At the
start of every workday, Diesel inserts her IV with a special mix of
Sugar-free Redbull, AMP, and a hint of Mojito leaves. Becky’s free
Time she enjoys Britney Spears dancing, listening to Ice Ice baby
lyrics and tennis. Her claim to fame as of today…making the
world a better place by serving her magical love potion on the
form of a shot called “Becky Love”.
John – As a newly introduced bartender this year, John has
picked up his pace from which was once a lion pace, now to
cheetah pace. John is known well around Captain’s Getaway as
the bartender who has ice in his veins. Needless to say, if you
don’t know what you’re ordering from him when you walk up, you
better just go somewhere else. John accepts no halts in his pace
such as um, well, or hold on a second. While at work, John’s
favorite thing to do is make Oysters Rockafellers’, and play the
Pirate Jack machine for hours on end (rollin them 20’s!) At a
young age of 22, John makes a heck of a pitchers duel, excelling
both at baseball and pitching beer league softball. In John’s free
time, he also likes to Britney Spears Dance, and watch Platinum
Wedding’s on WE (Women’s Entertainment).
Rayme (Ray) – He is the only living “Raymesaurus Rex” left on
earth. Even though he is only 22, being a dinosaur, we estimate
his actual age of being 1.2 billion, (give or take 20) years old. Last
winter, Ray spent most of the time in the virgins (islands that is!),
where he took up many practices such as Malpractice,
Mispractice, and practicing bartending. Because of his love for
the Chicago Cubs, Ray is well known for being an extra in the
movie Ferris Beuller’s Day Off while shot at Wrigley Field. Ray
actually went on a 3 week hunt for Steve Bartmen shortly after the
incident in 2003 NLCS game 6. Distraught after this failure to find
Steve, Ray took up drinking. Now, Ray participates in fishbowl
extravaganzas and regular Sunday outings with the Captains
Crew. Ray has aspirations one day to Dance with the Stars, Sing
with Ashanti, and be able to Burp the ABC’s.
Andrew aka “Crabtree” – For the last 14 or so months, Crabtree’
s occupation has not deviated. What is this you may ask? Well, it’
s a steady mix between bartending at Captains, Drinking in
Okoboji, and spending large amounts of cash on everyone else
for no apparent reason. Currently holds the record for most
nicknames recorded in one sitting. A few examples being:
Crabcakes, Crabnorris, Crabfritters, Crabnuts…I think you get the
point. He currently attends gamblers help meetings. He got this
addiction from when he lived in Vegas as a blackjack dealer but
was later fired for giving out way too many BJ’s (blackjacks that
is). Andrew’s claim to fame is never wearing the same pair of
Oakley sunglass’s twice in a month. In Crabtree’s free time, he
enjoys playing slot machines with his MP3 integrated Oakley’s
on. If you see someone looking like a high-roller, there’s a 63%
chance that it’s Andrew. Crabtree’s future is so bright; he has to
wear his Oakley’s while he sleeps.
Amber – Weighing in at just under 100 pounds (as Jim Carrey
says, “In her Bra”) Amber is sure Double “D”elightful. While
employed here at Captain’s Getaway, Amber’s Favorite activity is
being serenaded by older men who claim to be Millionaires.
Guys…singing her the backstreet boys or 98 degrees works the
best. Amber enjoys accepting cash, credit cards(visa,
mastercard, American Express, Sam’s Club, or Menard’s Big
card), Travelers Checks, college tuition, shots, or gifts for
rendering her services here. Yes, Amber is the color of her
energy here. To relax while not serving cocktails, Amber
appreciates Bud Heavy and down-hill Street lugging in her leisure
time. Don’t let her figure fool you; she is a true mechanic at heart.
She can clean the pipes of your carburetor faster then you can
order a double cheese burger from McDonalds.
Tynan – She has many true aspirations in life. Tynan hopes one
day her Karaoke version of Shania Twains “Who’s Bed Have Your
Boots’ Been Under” can propel her to be the next American Idol.
Tynan’s a sucker for a T-bomb; get 22 to 23 of these shots in her
and she’s crazier than Borat’s brother Bilo. Besides working on
her prestigious singing skills, Tynan hobbies in mastering
taxidermy, this girl can mount anything. Along with Taxidermy, she’
s also an avid gun collector; ask what her favorite gun is and her
response… A flippin’ 12 gauge, what do you think? Tynan
currently attends school full-time at Oxford studying for a degree in
Firefighter training. Minoring in psychology, Tynan can tell you
how to act and how to handle a hose, all in one therapy session.
Although she is a master firewoman she is still not old enough to
drive the fire truck. She’s not happy about this but she still is a
committed worker and will always show up to the scene in her
Dodge Caravan.
Mercedes- If your in a band she’ll think you’re the man. Guys, you
stand NO chance unless you’re in a band. Along with rocking out,
she also enjoys styling her hair in numerous ways which is why
she is dubbed the “Hair Chameleon”. While in Chicago in 1996
for the annual Chicago Hair Stylist Expo, Mercedes met Dennis
Rodman, and has never looked back. She considers a long night
at work as doing her hair, doing her make-up, doing your hair,
shampooing your hair, undoing your hair, undoing her hair and
undoing her make-up. When it comes to her hobbies she sticks
to her roots. As a little girl growing up in Arizona she would
wander the desert in search for rattle snakes and removing the
loose needles from all the cacti so they could grow up healthier.
Mercedes is most well known at Captains for these 3 questions:
1. What’s an IQ test?
2. There’s a specific order to the colors in the rainbow?
3. Dude, are you in a band?
Ashley- A switch hitter, both bartender and waitress a true talent.
While at work she likes to listen to an XM station called the Squizz
which plays music that she truly loves: songs inspired by boys
that hate their fathers. She is known around Captains for her 34
different laughs and her amazing dimples. Her hobbies include
piloting hot air balloons around the world, plowing cornfields
manually with a team of oxen and power sanding the paint off of
old buildings that are preparing to be remodeled. Along with
working at Captains she also holds a position as Pflugerville’s
entertainment coordinator for cabin 1. Ashley as far as we know is
a kind sweet girl with the exception of when Jon Mayer comes on
the radio. She then gets mad and screams “ Say what you need
to effin say already!”
Erin- Although never employed at any area gentlemen’s club she
has a self proclaimed stage name as Little K. Had a bad day?
Just sit at the bar and ask her for one of her very sensual back
massages. Even though they feel way better on sailboats, she
can still make your back feel like the 800 pound gorilla just
jumped off your back. Between teaching and waitressing here
she really doesn’t have much free time. However what time she
does get she spends in crushing Ritz Crackers in preparation of
putting them on her World famous cheesy hashbrowns. She
likes to make it well known to everyone that even though her dad
pitched for the New York Mets, she is actually a die-hard Yankees
fan, and furthermore claims that she was conceived on the
pitchers mound at Shea Stadium. Her interests include base
jumping, rock climbing, and telling the one joke about the cow
sitting on your face.
Amanda- The company math whiz. She firmly believes the
probability of getting tipped over 30% relies solely on 4 inches of
short shorts. She has mathematically figured out the formula that
proves wearing short shorts increases tips by 40%, 64.3% of the
time. When she’s not at work, she spends 27% of her free time
by the pool tanning and swimming with otters and other semi-
aquatic vermin and ducks. Although she has a 4.67529 GPA, don’
t let her stats intimidate you, she still knows how to please the
customers. In addition to tanning and swimming, she enjoys
rehearsing the musical “The Newsies”. If you guys are ever out
on the lake, look out for this girl. She will most likely bewiddle you
with her mad crazy X Game level wave jumping abilities in either
the Waverunner, leisure boat, wakeboard, innertube or barefoot
skiing. She wants everyone to help control the pet population.
Have your pet spayed or neutered.
Christina- If taking shots was a race, she would definitely lap you.
She makes us all at Captains proud when she works the shot girl
shift here. Customers often time mistake her for John Smith’s
wife Pocahontas. Christina enjoys lying out on her dock for hours
on end. On 3 or 4 occasions the DNR has come up to her dock to
see if she was still alive because she hadn’t moved a muscle in
hours. She defines OWI as outrageous while intoxicated. The
only way to really calm her down is to place a brand new deck of
Pokémon cards in her hand. She refuses to shower with her
Pokémon figurines because she believes that they will Pikachu.
(Peek-atch-u) Christina has been working with us for 2 years now
and we have boated with her at least 67 times and she still tells
us that we have not seen all of her swim suits yet.
Holly- The Rookie. She is the newest member of our non-security
staff. She met her husband on the Wizard of Oz set. He was a
member of the Lollypop Guild and she was in charge of his make-
up. It was magic from the start. She is an experienced
refrigeration specialist and also enjoys sweeping, mopping,
cooking, dusting, and cleaning behind refrigeration units. During
the day Holly makes her money by sewing imitation LaCoste
alligator logos on $4 Hanes T-shirts and sells them for $73 a
piece… in other words she’s working at Captain’s for fun. She is
also a trend setter, but yet very very modest. Under her skirts and
dresses she wears a thong, boy’s boxer shorts and biker shorts
over the top of those. This is to keep the peekers out.
Blair – He has worked at Captains Getaway for ten years now but
no one knows his name yet. Hates when people ask…”Hey who’
s the new Guy?” Typically, when asked this question, Blair
responds, “I’m not a new guy, I’m a Family Guy.” During the day,
Blair excels at sewing, mending, building, constructing and
covering 96.4% of the Furniture sold to the Lakes area. You know
at the end of the day when you sit down on that comfortable
Stylecraft Recliner? Yeah, thank this guy, he built that. Blair’s
favorite drink after a hard night at work, Ciroq. And when he order’
s this drink, it sounds like this... “Ciroq?....ha-ha you rock!” Blair is
also an avid movie Connoisseur. Blockbuster once called him
and needed to borrow a movie, and then they returned it late… In
his leisure time, Blair takes out his family boat known formally as
“The Poon-Toon.” His father and he came up with this name
because it was believed this was the actual boat Blair’s little
Brother was created on.
Dalton - Although he loves Bacardi Diet’s and shots of Dr. M’s
Peppermint, he will never shy away from too many shots of
Cuervo. He’s well known around Captain’s as the first person cut-
off every Thursday, Friday and Saturday. (and Monday, and
Tuesday, and Wednesday.) When Dalton speaks, he often has
his eyes closed and talks in what we all guess are a cross
between Chinese and Turkish. Although fluent in English, he
orders is drinks in what is made out to be Russian. Dalton was
born and raised a farmboy from the West Indies. On this farm he
had a cat, a Dog, production plant for Cherries and Rice, and
three young, fetch- trained Goats. Despite the rumors, he is not
actually related to these goats because he was button hooked at
the age of 6.
Fuzzy (Aka Kevin) – After taking 1st place in Nebraska’s “Larry the
Cable Guy” look-a-like contest, Fuzz’s popularity grew State wide.
Fuzzy is known around Captain’s for two things, The Fuzzy Chest
Bump (used to exit customers at the end of the night), and getting
rejected from walking on to play football at the University of
Nebraska – Lincoln. Go Huskers!! Fuzzy is seen around the lake
doing numerous things throughout the day. Examples being:
Driving barges, Driving service boats, Driving people’s boats 34’
that are supposed to be serviced, Driving Stand-up jet skis in only
a banana hammock, and Skinning Dipping (For Fuzz, it’s Chucky
Dunkin) in the Daytime. Don’t let his size fool you, standing at 300
pound of lean muscle, Fuzzy got his nickname from his mommy
for being a “Fuzzy, Wuzzy, Lil’ Teddy Bear”
Nick Bear – Working 120 hours per week at 6 different
establishments on Broadway? No problem for Nick. He works
the sound part-time at Captains Getaway while typically drinking
the place out of Jim Beam and Jagermiester. Nick claims that he
is trying to actually make sound, sound better. In his early years,
he met his idol and became good friends with Ray Charles, and
then sometime shortly afterwards, lost sight of him. He really
loves being complimented and greeted with a verbal insult.
Although don’t be too witty, Nick will usually fire one right back at
you. Nick once auditioned for the cinematic adventure called
“Million Dollar Baby” when is was originally called “Million Dollar
Smile”. One small piece of advice about him, never challenge
him to any kind of Go-Kart or Bumper Boat race as he is an Ex-
employee of the cart ranch. Did receive the only ever award at the
Cart Ranch for 25 years of service!
Pete- Yes his real name is Pete Rose and yes he will throw down
$20 when either Rich Harden or Carlos Zambrano is pitching for
the Cubs. Pete’s favorite drink if you ever want to buy him one is
Bacardi Limon and 7 and you can usually find him having
numerous “Limoments” with his friends. Some of Pete’s favorite
activities include jetskiing, public urination, slow pitch softball,
peeing on furniture that’s not made by Blair and saving lives. On
Pete’s days off you will usually find him drinking fishbowls at the
Ritz, boating to the Barefoot for cocktails, and making a nice little
stop at OBW before he goes to Westlake for a little Kryptonite.
This is one of the reasons his life vest does not leave his body
when he’s on land or water. Pete hopes someday to be a Victoria’
s Secret Model and see the Cubs win a World Series. He also
hopes to someday to set the world record for longest keg stand.
Matt – Although he has no relations with anyone named Jack or
Daniel, he still know how to put 2 and 2 together to make one.
Matt is in charge of making sure our music selection doesn’t
suck. Every Friday and Saturday, Matt works hard to keep the
Monitor, Vocal, Guitar, and Drum sound levels at equilibrium. If
you don’t know who this guy is, maybe we can help Jog your
memory…Remember seeing that guy on a Black crouch rocket
speeding by you so fast he has come and gone in under three
seconds? Yeah, didn’t think so! That’s because by the time you
actually realize what just happened, Matt is already well in front of
you out of sight. During the Daytime, Matt excels in selling GM
brand cars. Although he is a bit of a stickler, don’t think you’re
going to get any “friendly, Manager” discounts from him, because
hey…he’s saving up to by a new boat!
Brady – Casting a mean shadow by standing all of 6’6”, he is
often seen with a FBI style earpiece bouncing at Captains. Brady’
s claim to fame is when he was casted for Brokeback Mountain’s
Jake Gyllenhaal role before Jake was. Unfortunately, Brady
learned that he lacked the ability to ride a horse so he had to back
out of the Star Role. After this unlucky circumstance, Brady
pursued a different role in Hollywood. Because of his ability to
grow such a profound beard, Brady pursued the role of
Blackbeard in “The Pirates of the Caribbean”. To his dismay,
Brady wasn’t much of a swordsman. Now Brady stars in is own
life being a barge boy on the lake for Clary. In his college days,
Brady was a real hit with the ladies, especially the easy ones.
Now that he no longer plays football for UNI, the jersey chasers
have since disappeared leaving Brady with a lot of….alone time.
Wade – The Bossman, the Big Kahuna, The W, the person who
preaches “you will respect my authority.” Known well on Sunday’s
for being way too “Wadested!” Wade believes that before he tells
the employees a new joke, he calls TBS and asks how funny it is.
He was the creator of the application for Bumper stickers on
Facebook. Wade is such a faithful fast food customer, he once
drove 1,293 miles and got three speeding tickets, just to get to
White Castle. A typical meal for Wade consists of a leg of mutton,
a wheel of Wisconsin Cheese, two 1 liters of Fiji water, and a Gin
Martini which is shaken and stirred with two olives and a dash of
dry vermouth. Wade has aspirations to one day defeat Joey
Chestnut, the reigning Nathan’s Hot Dog Champion. He enjoys
collecting toilets from the suit store and suits from the toilet store.
He also believes that if you apply WD 40 to anything, it will make it
run better. He recently took up the hobby of dog breading where
he successful mated a Saint Bernard with a Shiatsu and a skunk.
Keith- We are not really sure if Keith actually knows any English
being that we have never heard him talk. We do know one thing
tho… he knows how to kick some serious ass. He gets all of his
moves from his favorite sport, WWE Wrestling. According to
legend he once killed a guy who pushed him and told him off by
first giving him a Stone-cold Stunner followed by a Tombstone
right into the curb. Other than kicking some ass, he has a soft
side too. He’s the only 6’9’’ person we know who enjoys going to
the pet store and petting the bunnies, nice candle lit dinners, fine
wine and cheeses, long walks on the beach, and throwing the
javelin. We hear he also enjoys Gummy Bears. Since he doesn’t
really talk we only can assume that he aspires to be an
underwater gas pipeline welder.
Justin- The original lollypop guild. He practiced for his part in the
Wizard of Oz by welcoming everyone he would ID at the door to
Munchkin Land. Other than being short, he’s a pretty good guy.
People generally don’t take him seriously until he puts him in a
diamond cutter, or a pretty sweet submission hold. If you’re lucky
he’ll just put you in a full nelson. He is a pretty brave guy too. He
once went hunting for Alaskan king crab in the Bering Sea and is
the only man to ever dive down in just his swimming trunks and
pull up a crab just so he could feed his family. While he was on
the Bering Sea he acquired an albino polar bear as a pet and
named him Gus. Gus strangely won’t eat his dog food that Justin
puts out for him every day in the kennel.
Kelly- Still can make a mean Quizno’s sub. He really enjoys his
world travels. He has visited and created a sub at every Quizno’s
in the world. The prestigious list includes Rome, Paris, London,
Sweden, Italy and he once made a sub for every troop member in
Iraq. He also enjoys a nice pair of freshly creased slacks, tan in
color and not too tight around the thighs. Although he has moved
on to cocktails and margaritas now, we still never let him forget
who he once was. On New Year’s Eve night, Kelly’s goal was to
collect as many wristbands on his right arm, totaling 26, while in
Cancun. His favorite thing in the world is a rainbow colored
cotton candy and he also enjoys tennis. Kelly’s movie of choice, if
you’re wondering, is Office Space, because he wants to, one day,
work for Inetech. He is also, for some reason, very protective of
his stapler? We haven’t quite put our finger on that one yet.
John S – This is the man who fixes your roof after it falls through.
He enjoys danger, and he wrote the hit song “Danger Zone” In the
late 80’s. John’s signature move is the classic High five, up high,
on the side, down low, too slow, followed by him rolling on the
floor in laughter because he thinks it’s “frickin’ hilarious”. He is a
man who sticks to his guns when it comes to what he believes
in. He believes that a job worth doing is worth doing right the first
time, lap dogs are for girls, and you should never wear white after
Labor Day. Furthermore, he strongly believes that mind erasers
ALWAYS come in groups of 2.
at work Becky is called the “diesel” for obvious reasons. Becky is
known well for her mean backhand, give this fierce cat a hard time
and you may be lucky enough to get one across the face! At the
start of every workday, Diesel inserts her IV with a special mix of
Sugar-free Redbull, AMP, and a hint of Mojito leaves. Becky’s free
Time she enjoys Britney Spears dancing, listening to Ice Ice baby
lyrics and tennis. Her claim to fame as of today…making the
world a better place by serving her magical love potion on the
form of a shot called “Becky Love”.
John – As a newly introduced bartender this year, John has
picked up his pace from which was once a lion pace, now to
cheetah pace. John is known well around Captain’s Getaway as
the bartender who has ice in his veins. Needless to say, if you
don’t know what you’re ordering from him when you walk up, you
better just go somewhere else. John accepts no halts in his pace
such as um, well, or hold on a second. While at work, John’s
favorite thing to do is make Oysters Rockafellers’, and play the
Pirate Jack machine for hours on end (rollin them 20’s!) At a
young age of 22, John makes a heck of a pitchers duel, excelling
both at baseball and pitching beer league softball. In John’s free
time, he also likes to Britney Spears Dance, and watch Platinum
Wedding’s on WE (Women’s Entertainment).
Rayme (Ray) – He is the only living “Raymesaurus Rex” left on
earth. Even though he is only 22, being a dinosaur, we estimate
his actual age of being 1.2 billion, (give or take 20) years old. Last
winter, Ray spent most of the time in the virgins (islands that is!),
where he took up many practices such as Malpractice,
Mispractice, and practicing bartending. Because of his love for
the Chicago Cubs, Ray is well known for being an extra in the
movie Ferris Beuller’s Day Off while shot at Wrigley Field. Ray
actually went on a 3 week hunt for Steve Bartmen shortly after the
incident in 2003 NLCS game 6. Distraught after this failure to find
Steve, Ray took up drinking. Now, Ray participates in fishbowl
extravaganzas and regular Sunday outings with the Captains
Crew. Ray has aspirations one day to Dance with the Stars, Sing
with Ashanti, and be able to Burp the ABC’s.
Andrew aka “Crabtree” – For the last 14 or so months, Crabtree’
s occupation has not deviated. What is this you may ask? Well, it’
s a steady mix between bartending at Captains, Drinking in
Okoboji, and spending large amounts of cash on everyone else
for no apparent reason. Currently holds the record for most
nicknames recorded in one sitting. A few examples being:
Crabcakes, Crabnorris, Crabfritters, Crabnuts…I think you get the
point. He currently attends gamblers help meetings. He got this
addiction from when he lived in Vegas as a blackjack dealer but
was later fired for giving out way too many BJ’s (blackjacks that
is). Andrew’s claim to fame is never wearing the same pair of
Oakley sunglass’s twice in a month. In Crabtree’s free time, he
enjoys playing slot machines with his MP3 integrated Oakley’s
on. If you see someone looking like a high-roller, there’s a 63%
chance that it’s Andrew. Crabtree’s future is so bright; he has to
wear his Oakley’s while he sleeps.
Amber – Weighing in at just under 100 pounds (as Jim Carrey
says, “In her Bra”) Amber is sure Double “D”elightful. While
employed here at Captain’s Getaway, Amber’s Favorite activity is
being serenaded by older men who claim to be Millionaires.
Guys…singing her the backstreet boys or 98 degrees works the
best. Amber enjoys accepting cash, credit cards(visa,
mastercard, American Express, Sam’s Club, or Menard’s Big
card), Travelers Checks, college tuition, shots, or gifts for
rendering her services here. Yes, Amber is the color of her
energy here. To relax while not serving cocktails, Amber
appreciates Bud Heavy and down-hill Street lugging in her leisure
time. Don’t let her figure fool you; she is a true mechanic at heart.
She can clean the pipes of your carburetor faster then you can
order a double cheese burger from McDonalds.
Tynan – She has many true aspirations in life. Tynan hopes one
day her Karaoke version of Shania Twains “Who’s Bed Have Your
Boots’ Been Under” can propel her to be the next American Idol.
Tynan’s a sucker for a T-bomb; get 22 to 23 of these shots in her
and she’s crazier than Borat’s brother Bilo. Besides working on
her prestigious singing skills, Tynan hobbies in mastering
taxidermy, this girl can mount anything. Along with Taxidermy, she’
s also an avid gun collector; ask what her favorite gun is and her
response… A flippin’ 12 gauge, what do you think? Tynan
currently attends school full-time at Oxford studying for a degree in
Firefighter training. Minoring in psychology, Tynan can tell you
how to act and how to handle a hose, all in one therapy session.
Although she is a master firewoman she is still not old enough to
drive the fire truck. She’s not happy about this but she still is a
committed worker and will always show up to the scene in her
Dodge Caravan.
Mercedes- If your in a band she’ll think you’re the man. Guys, you
stand NO chance unless you’re in a band. Along with rocking out,
she also enjoys styling her hair in numerous ways which is why
she is dubbed the “Hair Chameleon”. While in Chicago in 1996
for the annual Chicago Hair Stylist Expo, Mercedes met Dennis
Rodman, and has never looked back. She considers a long night
at work as doing her hair, doing her make-up, doing your hair,
shampooing your hair, undoing your hair, undoing her hair and
undoing her make-up. When it comes to her hobbies she sticks
to her roots. As a little girl growing up in Arizona she would
wander the desert in search for rattle snakes and removing the
loose needles from all the cacti so they could grow up healthier.
Mercedes is most well known at Captains for these 3 questions:
1. What’s an IQ test?
2. There’s a specific order to the colors in the rainbow?
3. Dude, are you in a band?
Ashley- A switch hitter, both bartender and waitress a true talent.
While at work she likes to listen to an XM station called the Squizz
which plays music that she truly loves: songs inspired by boys
that hate their fathers. She is known around Captains for her 34
different laughs and her amazing dimples. Her hobbies include
piloting hot air balloons around the world, plowing cornfields
manually with a team of oxen and power sanding the paint off of
old buildings that are preparing to be remodeled. Along with
working at Captains she also holds a position as Pflugerville’s
entertainment coordinator for cabin 1. Ashley as far as we know is
a kind sweet girl with the exception of when Jon Mayer comes on
the radio. She then gets mad and screams “ Say what you need
to effin say already!”
Erin- Although never employed at any area gentlemen’s club she
has a self proclaimed stage name as Little K. Had a bad day?
Just sit at the bar and ask her for one of her very sensual back
massages. Even though they feel way better on sailboats, she
can still make your back feel like the 800 pound gorilla just
jumped off your back. Between teaching and waitressing here
she really doesn’t have much free time. However what time she
does get she spends in crushing Ritz Crackers in preparation of
putting them on her World famous cheesy hashbrowns. She
likes to make it well known to everyone that even though her dad
pitched for the New York Mets, she is actually a die-hard Yankees
fan, and furthermore claims that she was conceived on the
pitchers mound at Shea Stadium. Her interests include base
jumping, rock climbing, and telling the one joke about the cow
sitting on your face.
Amanda- The company math whiz. She firmly believes the
probability of getting tipped over 30% relies solely on 4 inches of
short shorts. She has mathematically figured out the formula that
proves wearing short shorts increases tips by 40%, 64.3% of the
time. When she’s not at work, she spends 27% of her free time
by the pool tanning and swimming with otters and other semi-
aquatic vermin and ducks. Although she has a 4.67529 GPA, don’
t let her stats intimidate you, she still knows how to please the
customers. In addition to tanning and swimming, she enjoys
rehearsing the musical “The Newsies”. If you guys are ever out
on the lake, look out for this girl. She will most likely bewiddle you
with her mad crazy X Game level wave jumping abilities in either
the Waverunner, leisure boat, wakeboard, innertube or barefoot
skiing. She wants everyone to help control the pet population.
Have your pet spayed or neutered.
Christina- If taking shots was a race, she would definitely lap you.
She makes us all at Captains proud when she works the shot girl
shift here. Customers often time mistake her for John Smith’s
wife Pocahontas. Christina enjoys lying out on her dock for hours
on end. On 3 or 4 occasions the DNR has come up to her dock to
see if she was still alive because she hadn’t moved a muscle in
hours. She defines OWI as outrageous while intoxicated. The
only way to really calm her down is to place a brand new deck of
Pokémon cards in her hand. She refuses to shower with her
Pokémon figurines because she believes that they will Pikachu.
(Peek-atch-u) Christina has been working with us for 2 years now
and we have boated with her at least 67 times and she still tells
us that we have not seen all of her swim suits yet.
Holly- The Rookie. She is the newest member of our non-security
staff. She met her husband on the Wizard of Oz set. He was a
member of the Lollypop Guild and she was in charge of his make-
up. It was magic from the start. She is an experienced
refrigeration specialist and also enjoys sweeping, mopping,
cooking, dusting, and cleaning behind refrigeration units. During
the day Holly makes her money by sewing imitation LaCoste
alligator logos on $4 Hanes T-shirts and sells them for $73 a
piece… in other words she’s working at Captain’s for fun. She is
also a trend setter, but yet very very modest. Under her skirts and
dresses she wears a thong, boy’s boxer shorts and biker shorts
over the top of those. This is to keep the peekers out.
Blair – He has worked at Captains Getaway for ten years now but
no one knows his name yet. Hates when people ask…”Hey who’
s the new Guy?” Typically, when asked this question, Blair
responds, “I’m not a new guy, I’m a Family Guy.” During the day,
Blair excels at sewing, mending, building, constructing and
covering 96.4% of the Furniture sold to the Lakes area. You know
at the end of the day when you sit down on that comfortable
Stylecraft Recliner? Yeah, thank this guy, he built that. Blair’s
favorite drink after a hard night at work, Ciroq. And when he order’
s this drink, it sounds like this... “Ciroq?....ha-ha you rock!” Blair is
also an avid movie Connoisseur. Blockbuster once called him
and needed to borrow a movie, and then they returned it late… In
his leisure time, Blair takes out his family boat known formally as
“The Poon-Toon.” His father and he came up with this name
because it was believed this was the actual boat Blair’s little
Brother was created on.
Dalton - Although he loves Bacardi Diet’s and shots of Dr. M’s
Peppermint, he will never shy away from too many shots of
Cuervo. He’s well known around Captain’s as the first person cut-
off every Thursday, Friday and Saturday. (and Monday, and
Tuesday, and Wednesday.) When Dalton speaks, he often has
his eyes closed and talks in what we all guess are a cross
between Chinese and Turkish. Although fluent in English, he
orders is drinks in what is made out to be Russian. Dalton was
born and raised a farmboy from the West Indies. On this farm he
had a cat, a Dog, production plant for Cherries and Rice, and
three young, fetch- trained Goats. Despite the rumors, he is not
actually related to these goats because he was button hooked at
the age of 6.
Fuzzy (Aka Kevin) – After taking 1st place in Nebraska’s “Larry the
Cable Guy” look-a-like contest, Fuzz’s popularity grew State wide.
Fuzzy is known around Captain’s for two things, The Fuzzy Chest
Bump (used to exit customers at the end of the night), and getting
rejected from walking on to play football at the University of
Nebraska – Lincoln. Go Huskers!! Fuzzy is seen around the lake
doing numerous things throughout the day. Examples being:
Driving barges, Driving service boats, Driving people’s boats 34’
that are supposed to be serviced, Driving Stand-up jet skis in only
a banana hammock, and Skinning Dipping (For Fuzz, it’s Chucky
Dunkin) in the Daytime. Don’t let his size fool you, standing at 300
pound of lean muscle, Fuzzy got his nickname from his mommy
for being a “Fuzzy, Wuzzy, Lil’ Teddy Bear”
Nick Bear – Working 120 hours per week at 6 different
establishments on Broadway? No problem for Nick. He works
the sound part-time at Captains Getaway while typically drinking
the place out of Jim Beam and Jagermiester. Nick claims that he
is trying to actually make sound, sound better. In his early years,
he met his idol and became good friends with Ray Charles, and
then sometime shortly afterwards, lost sight of him. He really
loves being complimented and greeted with a verbal insult.
Although don’t be too witty, Nick will usually fire one right back at
you. Nick once auditioned for the cinematic adventure called
“Million Dollar Baby” when is was originally called “Million Dollar
Smile”. One small piece of advice about him, never challenge
him to any kind of Go-Kart or Bumper Boat race as he is an Ex-
employee of the cart ranch. Did receive the only ever award at the
Cart Ranch for 25 years of service!
Pete- Yes his real name is Pete Rose and yes he will throw down
$20 when either Rich Harden or Carlos Zambrano is pitching for
the Cubs. Pete’s favorite drink if you ever want to buy him one is
Bacardi Limon and 7 and you can usually find him having
numerous “Limoments” with his friends. Some of Pete’s favorite
activities include jetskiing, public urination, slow pitch softball,
peeing on furniture that’s not made by Blair and saving lives. On
Pete’s days off you will usually find him drinking fishbowls at the
Ritz, boating to the Barefoot for cocktails, and making a nice little
stop at OBW before he goes to Westlake for a little Kryptonite.
This is one of the reasons his life vest does not leave his body
when he’s on land or water. Pete hopes someday to be a Victoria’
s Secret Model and see the Cubs win a World Series. He also
hopes to someday to set the world record for longest keg stand.
Matt – Although he has no relations with anyone named Jack or
Daniel, he still know how to put 2 and 2 together to make one.
Matt is in charge of making sure our music selection doesn’t
suck. Every Friday and Saturday, Matt works hard to keep the
Monitor, Vocal, Guitar, and Drum sound levels at equilibrium. If
you don’t know who this guy is, maybe we can help Jog your
memory…Remember seeing that guy on a Black crouch rocket
speeding by you so fast he has come and gone in under three
seconds? Yeah, didn’t think so! That’s because by the time you
actually realize what just happened, Matt is already well in front of
you out of sight. During the Daytime, Matt excels in selling GM
brand cars. Although he is a bit of a stickler, don’t think you’re
going to get any “friendly, Manager” discounts from him, because
hey…he’s saving up to by a new boat!
Brady – Casting a mean shadow by standing all of 6’6”, he is
often seen with a FBI style earpiece bouncing at Captains. Brady’
s claim to fame is when he was casted for Brokeback Mountain’s
Jake Gyllenhaal role before Jake was. Unfortunately, Brady
learned that he lacked the ability to ride a horse so he had to back
out of the Star Role. After this unlucky circumstance, Brady
pursued a different role in Hollywood. Because of his ability to
grow such a profound beard, Brady pursued the role of
Blackbeard in “The Pirates of the Caribbean”. To his dismay,
Brady wasn’t much of a swordsman. Now Brady stars in is own
life being a barge boy on the lake for Clary. In his college days,
Brady was a real hit with the ladies, especially the easy ones.
Now that he no longer plays football for UNI, the jersey chasers
have since disappeared leaving Brady with a lot of….alone time.
Wade – The Bossman, the Big Kahuna, The W, the person who
preaches “you will respect my authority.” Known well on Sunday’s
for being way too “Wadested!” Wade believes that before he tells
the employees a new joke, he calls TBS and asks how funny it is.
He was the creator of the application for Bumper stickers on
Facebook. Wade is such a faithful fast food customer, he once
drove 1,293 miles and got three speeding tickets, just to get to
White Castle. A typical meal for Wade consists of a leg of mutton,
a wheel of Wisconsin Cheese, two 1 liters of Fiji water, and a Gin
Martini which is shaken and stirred with two olives and a dash of
dry vermouth. Wade has aspirations to one day defeat Joey
Chestnut, the reigning Nathan’s Hot Dog Champion. He enjoys
collecting toilets from the suit store and suits from the toilet store.
He also believes that if you apply WD 40 to anything, it will make it
run better. He recently took up the hobby of dog breading where
he successful mated a Saint Bernard with a Shiatsu and a skunk.
Keith- We are not really sure if Keith actually knows any English
being that we have never heard him talk. We do know one thing
tho… he knows how to kick some serious ass. He gets all of his
moves from his favorite sport, WWE Wrestling. According to
legend he once killed a guy who pushed him and told him off by
first giving him a Stone-cold Stunner followed by a Tombstone
right into the curb. Other than kicking some ass, he has a soft
side too. He’s the only 6’9’’ person we know who enjoys going to
the pet store and petting the bunnies, nice candle lit dinners, fine
wine and cheeses, long walks on the beach, and throwing the
javelin. We hear he also enjoys Gummy Bears. Since he doesn’t
really talk we only can assume that he aspires to be an
underwater gas pipeline welder.
Justin- The original lollypop guild. He practiced for his part in the
Wizard of Oz by welcoming everyone he would ID at the door to
Munchkin Land. Other than being short, he’s a pretty good guy.
People generally don’t take him seriously until he puts him in a
diamond cutter, or a pretty sweet submission hold. If you’re lucky
he’ll just put you in a full nelson. He is a pretty brave guy too. He
once went hunting for Alaskan king crab in the Bering Sea and is
the only man to ever dive down in just his swimming trunks and
pull up a crab just so he could feed his family. While he was on
the Bering Sea he acquired an albino polar bear as a pet and
named him Gus. Gus strangely won’t eat his dog food that Justin
puts out for him every day in the kennel.
Kelly- Still can make a mean Quizno’s sub. He really enjoys his
world travels. He has visited and created a sub at every Quizno’s
in the world. The prestigious list includes Rome, Paris, London,
Sweden, Italy and he once made a sub for every troop member in
Iraq. He also enjoys a nice pair of freshly creased slacks, tan in
color and not too tight around the thighs. Although he has moved
on to cocktails and margaritas now, we still never let him forget
who he once was. On New Year’s Eve night, Kelly’s goal was to
collect as many wristbands on his right arm, totaling 26, while in
Cancun. His favorite thing in the world is a rainbow colored
cotton candy and he also enjoys tennis. Kelly’s movie of choice, if
you’re wondering, is Office Space, because he wants to, one day,
work for Inetech. He is also, for some reason, very protective of
his stapler? We haven’t quite put our finger on that one yet.
John S – This is the man who fixes your roof after it falls through.
He enjoys danger, and he wrote the hit song “Danger Zone” In the
late 80’s. John’s signature move is the classic High five, up high,
on the side, down low, too slow, followed by him rolling on the
floor in laughter because he thinks it’s “frickin’ hilarious”. He is a
man who sticks to his guns when it comes to what he believes
in. He believes that a job worth doing is worth doing right the first
time, lap dogs are for girls, and you should never wear white after
Labor Day. Furthermore, he strongly believes that mind erasers
ALWAYS come in groups of 2.
